Family & Friends

Hi
I am a gambler myself. It all started when I had a fairly big win (what I considered alot at that time) on my 18th bday. After that it's just gone downhill. I am only young and am in approx 20k of debt and are losing all my friends and family because of it. I no longer gamble because of the thrill or excitement but just in the hope that i'll win something back. I know im in a deadly cycle but I owe so much and just don't know how to get out. When I think about how much 20k is I just can't believe it.

To all those who have commented on this forum, I truly understand how each of you feels as I myself have gone through the samething.

My dad has started gambling when I was in primary school and then my mum got dragged into it as well when I was in high school. I am the only child in the family so I cannot remember the number of times I have cried alone at home in the middle of the night knowing that they have both gone to the casino. During that time, I felt so hopeless and I was ashamed of sharing these with my friends. So for all these years, only one or two close friends know about this. But it was so painful to keep it for so long. Now that I have graduated and started working full time. My life is a little better financially. However, my parents would still bug me every week for some extra money for their addiction. Because I am still living at home, so it is so difficult to say no. They would wake you up at night, call you million of times when you are out, call your work or even come to your work to find you. Before when I was in a relationship, they would come and wait outside my partner's place until I give them the money. I know that the only way to get away from all these is to move out and cut off all contacts with them. But it is so hard to do emotionally, because I am their only child and when they are not in the "gambling mood", they are the perfect parents. I want to help them but they keep thinking they are doing nothing wrong. They keep thinking this is their way of enjoying life. They don't care about the fact that they have so many credit card debts and that it is getting harder for them to get jobs and that they also have a house mortgage. I'm not sure if it is because of their gambling, but I am becoming this very insecure person. I wasn't like that before. And now I constantly feel so little of myself. I can feel that I am not as strong as I used to be. Sometimes I really just want to run away from all these.

My husband has been gambling as long as I known him. At the start it was just a bit of fun during the cup carnival and I actually thought he had a passion for horse racing and sports. We got married and now have two beautiful girls who he is a gorgeous father too and most of the time is also a fantastic husband. Now looking back the only times he has come home from work angry or depressed is when he has been gambling and lost. The times he wins he sometimes comes home with a few $100 notes and says going shopping!!!
A few months back and discovered he had clocked up over $70,000 in debt on credit cards gambling- his mother and father bailed us out giving him the cash and he has been paying that debt of regularly, I actually thought things were ok. Last night he was very down and I asked him what was wrong and he admitted he had borrowed a further $200,000 for the bank on top of our home loan and lost the lot of the horse racing and others sports betting. He only bets online. I could seriously kill these people who set up these on-line betting websites. Don't they realise how evil they are. Anyone with a credit card can set one up and its so easy now to transfer money from one account to the other. Like from bank accounts to credit cards.
Im so confused I don't know what to do. The girls are crying at night for their dad and I'm so lonely as I have really no-one to talk to because its so humiliating and he could also loose his job and where would that leave us.... our family now has a combined debt of over $800,000 (including our mortgage). What I dont understand is that how could he do this to us. How could he betray us like that.Its a week to christmas...what do I do- leave him?
Lost and devistated.

I am leaving my gambelling husband this week after years of feeling that staying would help him,but after so much stress and fear and maybe even a nervous breakdown iv become so in tune with my truth that i finally can see the light.
Staying is continuing to accept his behaviour,and to remain living in hope of change.The problem is iv put so much of my life on hold that iv finally cracked and after proper counselling and medical treatment i finally started listening to my gut,and not my head or my heart.
The years iv put up with the lies,the deception,the embarressment and my response was to cover it up so that he would feel better in himself and somehow see the light and change.Sometimes,and actually alot of times he would twist it that it was my fault,and i believed him because of the toxic control he had over me,and the total lack of belief i had in my true worth.
now i know staying was so wrong,even for the kids who love him dearly were always effectedby his mood that either allowed us to be happy or sad. im leaving him with the house that i know he cant afford,and im leaving him with the bills he cant afford and for the first time in my life i know theyre not my problem.If he cant do it then the house can go,its bricks and mortar mean more to him than the damaged hearts of his family and it was me who pretended that we wer ok.
we were always wrong for each other but love keept us going,he needed a fool and i needed someone to fix,hence where we both are today,
tomorrow i go to view a small pretty cottage in a safe and therapeutic area that im hoping will become mine,and be the beginning of healing and self centered care for me and my kids,
im soo much more optomistic and have less baggage on my back,Thank you universe.xx

It is very important that you keep a healthy spending habit when doing your hobby especially at online gambling and setting up betting limits for yourself is one way of ensuring that. By doing so you are making a wise move and prevent yourself from looking foolish later on, when you have spent more than you can afford.

Hello folks. I am still focusing on the codependency in myself first. I just found out from my psychiatrist today is that a gambler is not capable of love. As in loving a human being in the right way... A true love is someone that would never, ever double cross you financial. And, if a person is an addict..... The addiction is prominent over your very own existence. So, the clear picture is to figure out in yourself why you chose this person (this is based on previous alcoholic parents, abuse as you are growing up, just plain ole' dysfunctional addiction from your childhood. The key for me is to see... I did not catch this "codependency" stuff until January, 2011. Now, I am 50... just plain ole' scared. Then, I thought, and saw that God is there for you... I will trust the unknown. And, I am saying the best thing for your soul is to leave a spouse that gambles. I am saving my soul, the "me" that is still there. A gambler doesn't have a clue as to how to love a spouse, or another family member right. Do I have to choose this financial pain over, and over again? No, the "me" inside is saving myself. I plan to walk, and not look back again. That is the right thing to do. Don't stay and let yourself be sabotaged financially. A gambler does not know how to love. I hope this helps everyone that feels confused, and has to stay. No. Walk, take your children with you. Go forward, give them a better future... No financial/emotional abuse can be inflicted on yourself, or your children. It is a mom or dad's responsibility to protect their children from financial/emotional abuse. It is not love to stay in so much financial pain. I have said enough. Good luck on your journey. Peace to all.

Hello.
Today, i learned that my father was gambling. It was a real shock for me. I cried and cried and i could not stop. My mother told me that she stills loves him very much but she is thinking about leaving him. She also told me that he admits its a problem and thats its hurting him and my mom. But, he doesnt want ot seek out help. I can't talk about it with him because i promised my mom i would not talk about it.
PLease, if someone can give us advice on how we can help him, please write a comment. I don't want to lose my father. Please help.
Thank you

In response to everyone, I am also married to a gambler. I saw that there is a pattern going on emotionally between him and I. I could not figure out why I felt confused, like I am walking on eggshells all the time. Please get the books called "Codependent No More", "The New Codepedency" written by Melody Beattie. And, get "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It is terrifying, absolutely mortifying to find out we are all enablers. Get to Gam-Anon information for coping skills which is for family members affected by this. And find a verbal abuse shelter in your area if you feel you are in danger. Have a bag packed. I have allowed this man to walk all over me like a doormat since 1994. I even stopped working at his request (control). Then in 2000, I think he will come to his senses if we buy a house together. Be responsible. Wrong. Here comes a bankruptcy filing Chapter 13. Duh, total isolation and entrapment. A gambler knows how to make you feel like a victim. The snag for me is I called the Verbal Abuse hotline, and asked if I was wrong to ask questions like where is the money? Why is there endless charges of $10k on a line of credit we took out. Well I was told I was being verbally abused and am a classic case of domestic violence. This also includes financial abuse. My goodness, how far will a gambler go? Well, we took a mortgage for the 2nd time and the line of credit was shut down and closed. By God, he even took out $200 from the line of credit 3 days before our loan papers were signed 2010. He took out $10k from his 401k to give to me. Then he paid himself $200 a month by letting the IRS keep the monthly amt from his paycheck for a year. Duh, he was planning the money for paying off his VISA credit card. Which means there is a $3700 check at the end of the year. This direct deposit from the IRS should go to your account only. Guess what I realized? We could have bought a car! This is financial abuse if he gets to the money before you. The first step here (12 steps)is he has to say he is sick out loud. The sickness is being out of control with money. Oh, I believed his promises. Ugh, at your expance a gambler is looking for way to escape. Then the 2nd step is to go to Gamblers Anonymous meetings. The spouse can go to Gam-Anon meetings. God, the betrayal is beyond belief. What should be done is to protect yourself first on paper. Do not put a gambler's name on your account. Have his signature on the joint account only. Do not put a gambler's name on a child's account. Keep this in child's name only. The gambler can steal the money because his name is on the child's account. This also includes any other relative that gambles (even grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, etc). Do not stop working for a gambler. Duh, this is isolation so you can be kept uninformed of his whereabouts. Please keep your money separate from a gambler. A true claim of sobriety from a gambler is not to touch cash, or a card for the rest of his life. Have gambler deposit his paycheck (all of it) into your name only. If he can not stop, give him an allowance. Do a budget of your household. Cover all bills, expenses, everything-medical, pets, children first. Then, give him a small amount of money. Don't go above $75 a week. A gambler is very selfish and cunning, listen to what your hear from him all the time. Those are warning signals that he is going to gamble. Buy gas, groceries, lunches, haircuts, clothes, anything he needs. Buy it for him. You take your power back by doing this. When a gambler goes bottom out, you don't want to be there. If you can make it on your own with your children, get out. They are being emotionally abused as well. Do not bail a gambler out (this includes grandparents, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, moms, dads, and friends). And check your life insurance, make sure you are a irrevocable beneficiary. This means he can not borrow against a life insurance policy while you are alive. Get your money into a Roth IRA, your name only [Moderator: readers please note this commenter is talking about American products. Australians can call Gambler's Help on 1800 858 858 for advice on how to protect yourself financially here.] . Get a credit report every 4 months to check on his whereabouts with money. The one question to ask is? Do I (you) want to life with an addict? Read the books I mentioned earlier. It will make sense for gamblers which can be a spouse, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, friends, etc. Lay down the boundaries and say no to the addict. This is a life long process. Get informed by going to all spousal gambling sites. You will see all this info online. Get informed and stay informed. Do not make excuses for a gambler, let them experience there own embarassments, their own pain, and do not step in and rescue them. I am going to say it again and again. I do not want to be married to an addict, or even be an enabler. Now, my bankruptcy lifts in August 2011. I do not feel happy about this because he is spending his social security, and his pension because he is 66. Get this, now he says he gets recomp from SSI until the age of 70. That means he is saying his soc sec check will keep going up every year while he keeps working. Check and recheck all the stuff I said about protecting yourself, children, and family members. Oh, by the way, we only have $8k in savings, and $2k in checking. That is it. He said today if he died, I would be fine. At first he said he could only get $25k for me as a spouse because he had a heart attack. That is true. How is this supposed to make me feel better? I believed in the financial security dream of a husband taking care of me. That is not there with a gambler. He has not said he is sick yet. I just found out all this codepedency stuff this past January, 2011. Peace to everyone on their journey. Everything said by me is not meant to harm anyone. I want people to see how a gambler avoids responsibility, and how cunning they really are because they are sick. And, your feelings are the last thing that is on their mind. I know this is heavy duty, stay busy, create your own goals, and then you can feel joy coming back into your life. Do not give up. Peace to all.

My husband has a gambling problem. I always knew that he liked to bet, but it's only come to light quite how addicted he is in the last 3 months or so. In 4years of marriage, he's gambled in excess of 30grand. Putting the pieces together & talking about it has made me realise, and him admit, that he's been lying to me about it since we started dating 10years ago. He's getting help for it now, but the other day he told me that he doesn't think that quitting is a measure of him getting better - that its more about him understanding why he gambles & being in control of it. It shattered me, I thought that stopping was why he was seeking help.

The worst thing is, I don't know quite how to deal with any of it. I've just realised in the last few weeks how angry, disappointed & cheated I feel. But everything I read says that I need to be supportive & trusting. I am supportive of him getting better, and stopping, but at what point to I cross the line from supportive to naive? And how do I know what is true & what’s a lie, given that he’s learnt how to lie to me so well. I don't want to wake up in 4 years & realise that I should have saved myself from all of this when I could. I love him, but sometimes I think that it would be easier & fairer on me to help him as a friend who can separate themself, rather than as a partner who needs to be supportive, but also needs to be supported.

I have a partner who plays the pokies. Before my relationship I never realized just how big a problem gambling is. My partner is usually in complete denial and only has brief moments of clarity when she is honest about her problem. My partner not only offends me by gambling, she also tries make out I’m the bad guy. She often accuses me of being a “tight ass” or complains about the things she wants that “I” don’t buy her. She really seems to think she should be able to gamble as much as she likes as well as buy what she wants and the fact she can’t is somehow my fault.

But what really makes me angry and sad is we have a young son. If it were not for our son we could just agree to disagree and go our own separate ways. But our child has no say in what happens and his future is being compromised by his mothers gambling. While I do love my partner I also wish I could leave but this is also the last thing I want to do because of our son. I do not want to live apart form him and I also worry about the level of care he would get if we were not together.

What I find so hard to accept is that there is a whole industry built to capitalize from problem gamblers at the expense of their families. I know that some people may have addictive personalities or have personal issues they try and escape from, but why are other people legally allowed to exploit their weakness and profit from it? There is also no product available at a bank or other financial institution to help families manage the risk of losing money through gambling.

I believe problem gambling should be recognized as a potential form of child abuse. Family members should have legal rights to intervention and gambling establishments should be liable if they allow entry to a problem gambler who has been served an intervention order. I don’t think making gambling completely illegal is the answer but there is a chronic lack of control and support. And I mean real control and support based on action not just words. We are told that no one forces people to gamble, they choose to do it and it would be wrong to deny them their right to choose. I want to know where is my right to choose and my son’s right to choose? What choice do we and all the other families of gamblers have?

I believe Gamblers should not be anonymous, but exposed.
I believe this because the shame would not be an issue, and it would release the family from being made to feel disloyal to the gambler, and thus preventing them from seeking early intervention from family and friends. The longer a Gambler is in hiding and protected, the worse his condition and also allowing innocent victims to be continually abused by this illness. We have to make Gamblers aware their deeds are not Anonymous, but they are accountable not only to their family, but friends, neighbours, the community.
I do know a Gambler, and he is a wonderful person on the outside, I would like to make sure he becomes a wonderful person on he inside so he can learn to respect himself.

My husband gambled over £20,000 and lied and lied and lied to cover it up. He's also previously had a drug problem that I supported him through. Fortunately that is no longer an issue. As far as I know the gambling has now stopped but I'm finding it extremely hard to forgive him and to start to trust him again. I'm also finding it hard to respect him again as I still can't believe he did what he did. Sometimes I even doubt if I love him anymore but want to try to rebuild our relationship as we have a son. How do you start to let go of that anxiety around always expecting something bad to happen? How do you rebuild love and respect? Is it possible? It was helpful reading some of these posts though and realising that other people have felt the same in terms of feeling ripped apart emotionally.

My mother has a gambling problem which she doesn't want to admit, she's been losing a lot of the money she gets from work and she's been lying to us about going to casino. The thing is that she doesn't see the harm she's doing to her family and wouldn't even listen to us when we tell her to seek help. She came home at 2 am this morning and claimed that she was just having some fun while we were so worried because we couldn't reach her. She lost all the money she had from work yesterday and from her attitude she would do it again. We are really stressed about her gambling problems but there is simply nothing we can do at the moment.

***-DON'T let them grow to too many all around the suburb and town in AUSTRALIA, now i see it every where there are 2-3 on one street
-gambling is like a drugs for the people
-gambling make a lot of terrible things in the country
so please help me for this and everyone who agree with me *** we should do it together to let us or our family members get out of their problems.

It is a two way situation. The gambler has their reasons for what they do, and do not understand the repocussions on their family and friends . The family and friends are put in a situation that they would rather not be in and have no real control in the matter. My husband is a gambler that gambles at the T.A.B. There is no limit as to what amount is placed on per bet. I have lost my home, have 3 children and one on the way.I Have trust issues regarding my husband.
Yes, I do feel for my husband. BUT I have 4 other children to look out for. My heart and soul have been ripped in two. I am only 29 and have lived with this problem for the past 9 years. I am emotionally drained, physically tired and trying to keep afloat and avoid depression. If a gambler reads this, all I ask is that you stop and think about the people that love you and what your decision does to them. YOU WILL NEVER WIN BACK THE MONEY YOU LOST,STOLE OR BORROWED AND WILL ONLY DESTROY THE ONES YOU LOVE. We will never know what your thinking when you gamble, but we will know how it hurts.

my husband has a gambling problem, he has had for 14yrs, gamblers dont change, they relapse all they need is one excuse to go back and do it. take my advice and leave, dont waste any more time or money on them, my husband has spent 100,000's at the pokies and now i have had to make the heart breaking decision to take my two small children and leave.

My boyfriend has a gambling problem and has been lying for years about it, pretty much since we started dating. He has around 20K in debt, and has made almost no dent in it since we started dating in 2006. In September he lost his entire paycheck to gambling one week before we were going to Vegas for a wedding. He had to ask his boss to borrow $1200. Even without access to his bank account, I sensed money was missing, just from clues picked up here and there. I kept questioning and prodding him and he admitted it. He said it was rock bottom and he'd never do it again. He gave me access to his account. I tried to log on at the end of October and couldnt get in. He'd changed the password. After I made him let me in, I kept seeing weird charges. It wouldn't say gambling. One of them said "Lookgreat charge ###". He claimed he bought me some beauty products. I said I wanted to see the receipt. Then I got the idea to google the charge. I figured out that it was from Full Tilt Poker, an online gambling site. He denied it even though he evidence was right there. Just kept lying. I kept going to every link the google search brought up. It was mostly forums, or question answer sites of other people trying to figure out what the charge was. Finally after me interogating him for nearly an hour, he admitted it. He had spent over 500 dollars on it. I finally had to tell his parents what was going on. They had to take out a home equity loan to pay it off. He makes the monthly payments. He has started going to gambling meetings. However, yesterday he said to me "Well I'm not nearly as bad as those people." I was like, "That isn't what you're supposed to be getting out of this." and he just got moody. *** That doesn't cost money and there is no betting involved, but I just hate his obsessive personality. I'm glad he's going to meetings but I think he need therapy too to deal with this constant need to be obsessed with things and to spend money foolishly. I'm just so sick of it.

My partner has had a gambling problem since before we met in 05, and over the last 5 years it has worsened as his income increased. He has had a handful of huge wins bringing home $7,000, $11,000, $4,000 etc but it certainly doesn't out weight the money that he has spent and lost at the casino. He has lied to me for years now and we even tried coming up with a contract for an amount allocated per month on gambling, but that didn't work. We had a son in Dec 08 and I thought and hoped that he would wake up and become a responsible father and stop this gambling ****. But no, he is at the casino as I am writing this, he has been there since last night at 9:30pm, it is now 4:30pm. I had no idea and only found out as our account went from $5,100 to $170 in the last 15 hours. His son should be his priority but it's his gambling. A councellor once told me that wives of gamblers are the mistresses, the addiction is the wife in their eyes. How true. He lied to me on Mon arvo about gambling and I caught him out, and he said he was so sorry, but obviously not as he was straight back to the casino last night. I am giving up on him, he shows no signs of admitting his problem therefore there is no hope that he will take the steps to get help and fight to save our family. I cannot sit around and be heart broken any longer.

My Dad goes to the casino almost every night as it his way of "releasing stress" from work. He doesn't go home until after 6am. He has racked up thousands of dollars in debt and Mum bails him out every time. He has even gone as far as divorcing Mum so that he can marry another woman for $20,000 so she can enter Australia.

He acts normal in front of everyone but Mum cops his mood swings and bad temper and as a result Mum talks to me about it and has told me to swear to secrecy. I feel very burdened by the whole thing and don't know how to help either of them. Now Mum is considering re-mortgaging the house which they've spent most of their life paying off.

I can't help but feel extremely angry and resentful toward my Dad and cannot understand why he would do this to Mum.

I have recently experienced the the hurt and frustrations of a gambler and the anger and blaming was truly painful.... I am in love with this man and I know he feels the same but the gambling has runed what we onced shared to the point of seperation..... Its so difficult to know how to react to him as the lies led me to believe he was cheating on me, then I came to realise that he was, but with gambling....
I have offered my support and help to him but sometimes the emotion gets in the way and I cry and I know that dont help him as he feels more of a failure....
Anyone have any advice for me... Thanks

My boyfriend has gambled well over $400,000 in the past 8 years.

I want to leave him because his gambling has taken over his life, but I want to help him as well...I guess he just doesn't want to help himself.

To Helpless:

You are not exaggerating things, my husband of 20 years is doing the same. His demon is TAB and Roulette at casino. He refused to acknowledge he has gambled $70,000+ away in 5 years. I thought I was safe since I had control of his wage and all credit cards. Little did I know he would go and get loans of his own. It was too easy to get credit cards and personal loans - to make matters worse, (I found out later) they keep offering him more credit. Yes OFFER, he didn't even have to ask to increase his limit.

I have yet to call the helpline myself, I'm recovering from depression which was brought on by his lies. I say recovering very loosely as I had suicidal thoughts earlier in the year when I actually had a complete breakdown; and some days those thoughts would come back. It goes deeper than just gambling and I'm not ready to go to counselling just yet.

Don't do this alone though. Tell a trusted friend to help YOU. I have a support network that I fall back on; although most of them don't know the extent of his problem. YOU need help as much as he does. Gamblers have no idea how much emotional stress they bring home.

I have thought of leaving him too; but there's kids involved. I'm not staying because of them, it just doesn't help. He kept telling me he wants to stop; yet his action is telling me he otherwise.

Stay strong, you are not alone and ask for help for YOU. Take one day at a time.

I have been with my husband for 13 years now. He has always gambled at the tables in Casino. It started with about $200 per visit, the stakes have risen since then and he now wants to take at least a $1000 when he goes.

Sometimes he doesnt go for a month and then goes once a week. Sometimes he wins and when he does, he brags about it and repeats it endesly. When he loses he doesn't want to talk about it at all. I know he feels guilty and I want him to feel guilty so he doesnt go there again, but it lasts a month and then a pattern continues.

At the moment he is bringing no money into the household and it is all falling back on me.

He asked me to go with him tonight and after I refused he went on his own. How sad is that? Why is the desire to go there on your own so strong, that you leave your wife at home?

I don't know what to do... he says it is not a problem because he doesnt go every day.

Every Friday or Saturday I get a sickening feeling in my stomach that he might want to go there and I am tired of feeling this way.

Man up!!!!

I do not want to call the helpline just yet. He is not one of the men that you can say to him: "I notice you've been feeling...."
He senses my "Dr Phil" talks and flatly refuses to go into conversation and walks away or yells or turns the conversation into something else....

Anyway, I thought writing this would make me feel better, I dont know if it has... is this a problem or am I exaggerating?

If anyone wants to comment, please do.

My parents have a big problem with gambling.I have worked with them on the family farms for over twenty years and will soon have to find somewhere else to live and a new job because they have to sell the farms to pay off their gambling debts.My wife has been on the brink of leaving me on a couple of occasions because of my parents and i have had two battles with depression and am still on medication at the moment.My brother has very little to do with them because he can't handle the situation.I have tried talking to my parents but they say they don't have a problem.It is very frustrating because they don't see the damage they are causing to me and the rest of the family.

My partner and I met in 2007 and not long after I fell pregnant, I didnt realise that he had a problem, I didnt even know he gambled at all. About 3 months into my pregnancy he told me he had spent over half of the money we had to renovate before the baby arrived, from there it was just one slip up after another. When I gave birth to our son he was admitted immediatly to the Special Care Nursery for breathing difficulties and close to severe jaundice, My partner met with a group of friends to celebrate the birth of our son. The next day he told me he had spent all the money on my card. I didnt have the energy to be angry at him and I had the welfare of our son preoccupying all of my thoughts.

I will never forgive him for taking away what is meant to be a joyful time - even though our son was unwell.

He still gambles and we will probably have to sell the house. I have all of the cards and I thought that would stop him, but just last week he went into the bank and withdrew at least 2000.
I have never screamed at him and always tried to be supportive. He is 34 and I am 24, you would think he would want to step up and be a man for his son.

Not only is it destroying our financial stability, but I am starting to question my love for him.

To ALL GAMBLERS on behalf of love ones; You are killing us, imagine how you feel when you do it, the shame and embarrassment. That is how we feel when you do it plus anger and digust, what makes it worse is that WE cannot stop it, we are stuck on this ride and YOU are the ONLY one who can stop it.