Family & Friends
You cannot change the gambler's behaviour - they have to be willing to change themselves.
As a person without a problem you can't understand why the person with the gambling problem doesn't just stop. They seem like a run-away train. You might try many ways to stop them but you just can't control the person's behaviour.
You need to focus away from their behaviour and deal with your own feelings. This will help you to see the gambler as a person in crisis and out of control. This will then allow you to be supportive and to understand their feelings, and yet not apply pressure about their behaviour.
Does someone you care about have an issue with gambling?
You cannot force someone to acknowledge that they have an issue with gambling but you can encourage them to seek professional help. If you're not sure how to approach the situation, a counsellor can help point you in the right direction.
Gambler's Help also help people who are concerned about someone else's gambling.
How do you know if someone close to you has an issue with gambling?
People gamble for many reasons - for excitement, the thrill of winning or to be social. Gambling becomes an issue when it causes harm to the gambler and those close to them. Usually this means they are spending more money or time on gambling than they can afford.
Signs that gambling has become and issue »
Does one of your parents have an issue with gambling?
You can get help for your family. Gambler's Help is not just for gamblers. Free, confidential, professional counselling is available for families where gambling has become an issue.
Find out how you can get help now »
Counsellors and support for family and friends
FREECALL 24 hours, 7 days a week 1800 858 858, or go to www.gamblinghelponline.org.au for advice, support and help.
Calls to the Gambler’s Help line, and online counselling are free. You also can call or logon for help and support outside the area where you live.For the hearing impaired FREECALL 1800 777 706.
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Comments
My mother has a gambling problem which she doesn't want to admit, she's been losing a lot of the money she gets from work and she's been lying to us about going to casino. The thing is that she doesn't see the harm she's doing to her family and wouldn't even listen to us when we tell her to seek help. She came home at 2 am this morning and claimed that she was just having some fun while we were so worried because we couldn't reach her. She lost all the money she had from work yesterday and from her attitude she would do it again. We are really stressed about her gambling problems but there is simply nothing we can do at the moment.
My husband and I have started counselling to try to alleviate the damage that gambling has caused our relationship. Like most of the women commenting on this blog, I too have a young family and care very much what gambling is doing to my ability to parent in a positive way.
My husband has been a gambler ever since I met him. I guess I never realised the extent that he was emotionally attached to poker machines until, at his friend's wedding (held at a RSL club), he put money in a poker machine. Quite a few people commented about it to me that night, but there I was, about to give birth to our first child. I probably brushed it off...but slowly over time, I realised that it was becoming a problem.
I remember once I confronted him in an email, saying why so much money each week was going out of our account. He was telling me that it was the ferry ticket, lunch etc. But actually he was spending more and more time at the pub across from his work. This lead to a bigger problem and by the end of 2005 he had spent around $10,000 in a very short period on gambling. Luckily, I have worked full time, so we have always been able to pay our bills.
He was increasingly moody, angry and distant from my son and I. Always prefering to be at the local pub than with us. Can you imagine how that feels? To have your husband more in love with poker machines than yourself or your child?
He went to Gamblers Anonymous for a short period but said the group sessions didn't work for him. We decided that not having access to cash might work and it did for a while. But over the 5 years since then, he has continued to gamble on and off, finding all kinds of excuses to justify it.
But what this has done to our family is far greater than any financial loss. The fact that I am married to someone who is more emotionally attached to poker machines than to myself or my children is soul destroying. That my children have a father who gambles is one of the worse social problems I could have given them. That I have very little respect for someone who has been emotionally distant, who has lied and lied and lied just breaks my heart.
The other night he was saying that our relationship will never be right because he has changed so much and I have not changed at all in our relationship. All I have ever asked him to change is to not use drugs and to stop gambling. The drugs part was successful. The gambling not. We then went through the other areas that have changed in his life and talked about them. Seems actually that his not having his close friends living nearby isn't my fault, because two had already moved away with their own families and one moved to the UK. Then we discussed why he doesn't play sport any more and again, none of the reason's were to do with me.
But the bit I will put my hand up to, that he became a father, is my fault. For letting him have sex with me when my eggs were fertile. I guess he has to realise that he's a grown man now and everyone else has moved on with their lives - have family commitments and don't want to be out partying nor hanging at the pub.
I find it incredibly sad, that he doesn't care that I have been a loyal, trustworthy partner who has only ever loved him. But that just isn't enough.
We are now going to a gambling counsellor, so I hope this works as it is the last resort for our marriage.
***-DON'T let them grow to too many all around the suburb and town in AUSTRALIA, now i see it every where there are 2-3 on one street
-gambling is like a drugs for the people
-gambling make a lot of terrible things in the country
so please help me for this and everyone who agree with me *** we should do it together to let us or our family members get out of their problems.
I used to be a big gambler usually spending all of my pay each week on the same day as i got paid. If i still had money left I would spend many days a week and most saturdays on my own at the pokies. It was very lonely and I went thru many thousands of dollars. Eventually i got to the point where i really hated who i had become and knew i had to get help. The final straw came when my best friend bought a house and I had been working for at least three years longer than them.I called gamblers help and had fortnightly meetings, until i finally realised i was ready to do it. A couple of weeks ago it was four years since i last gambled. I know how easy this all sounds but it was far from easy. In this time I even went to vegas! The best thing my counsellor said was not even $10 in $10 years. I hope to get to that goal.
It is a two way situation. The gambler has their reasons for what they do, and do not understand the repocussions on their family and friends . The family and friends are put in a situation that they would rather not be in and have no real control in the matter. My husband is a gambler that gambles at the T.A.B. There is no limit as to what amount is placed on per bet. I have lost my home, have 3 children and one on the way.I Have trust issues regarding my husband.
Yes, I do feel for my husband. BUT I have 4 other children to look out for. My heart and soul have been ripped in two. I am only 29 and have lived with this problem for the past 9 years. I am emotionally drained, physically tired and trying to keep afloat and avoid depression. If a gambler reads this, all I ask is that you stop and think about the people that love you and what your decision does to them. YOU WILL NEVER WIN BACK THE MONEY YOU LOST,STOLE OR BORROWED AND WILL ONLY DESTROY THE ONES YOU LOVE. We will never know what your thinking when you gamble, but we will know how it hurts.
Almost everyday, my boyfriend goes to the Casino near his work at lunch and gambles a little (as well as going to the buffet). Each time, he spends $5 to $10 (so he tells me) and even borrows money off his friend that goes with him and vice versa. He has had some bad addiction problems before (not with gambling that I am aware of) and has recently stopped the other addiction. Should I be concerned about his behaviour with the Casino??... I don't want it to become another addiction :(
my husband has a gambling problem, he has had for 14yrs, gamblers dont change, they relapse all they need is one excuse to go back and do it. take my advice and leave, dont waste any more time or money on them, my husband has spent 100,000's at the pokies and now i have had to make the heart breaking decision to take my two small children and leave.
Friends of mine spend bizarre amounts of time at bingo and the pokies. This has been going on for months, but only now has it occurred to me that they are problem gamblers. Because I have become so close to them, they were able to keep the gambling under control for a while. But since a recent crisis in their lives it has spiralled out of control. Their current behaviour has led me to the conclusion that they are problem gamblers. In hindsight I realise they have been problem gamblers for as long as I have known them. Unfortunately I would drive them to bingo in the belief that being with them would help them to stay under control. Now I believe that I must not assist or facilitate their gambling in any way, shape or form. I will remain friends in other ways, but will actively challenge their gambling. I believe that their recent behaviour - lies, manipulation, threats and abuse - reflect their problems as gamblers - I think they still actually like me as a person. But it is truly eye opening to see the pathetic, desperate lengths that they will go to to get money. They also have no regard for their family members who mind their five kids while they go to the bingo / pokies six days a week. I now believe that it is up to them. They must choose to acknowledge and confront the problem. I will challenge them about their problem, but it is up to them acknowledge and address their problem. I will not be walked over or manipulated, but I will not give up on them. If they get sick of one of their few true friends because I will not help meet their craving for money, then that is their choice. But I will not abandon them.
My boyfriend has a gambling problem and has been lying for years about it, pretty much since we started dating. He has around 20K in debt, and has made almost no dent in it since we started dating in 2006. In September he lost his entire paycheck to gambling one week before we were going to Vegas for a wedding. He had to ask his boss to borrow $1200. Even without access to his bank account, I sensed money was missing, just from clues picked up here and there. I kept questioning and prodding him and he admitted it. He said it was rock bottom and he'd never do it again. He gave me access to his account. I tried to log on at the end of October and couldnt get in. He'd changed the password. After I made him let me in, I kept seeing weird charges. It wouldn't say gambling. One of them said "Lookgreat charge ###". He claimed he bought me some beauty products. I said I wanted to see the receipt. Then I got the idea to google the charge. I figured out that it was from Full Tilt Poker, an online gambling site. He denied it even though he evidence was right there. Just kept lying. I kept going to every link the google search brought up. It was mostly forums, or question answer sites of other people trying to figure out what the charge was. Finally after me interogating him for nearly an hour, he admitted it. He had spent over 500 dollars on it. I finally had to tell his parents what was going on. They had to take out a home equity loan to pay it off. He makes the monthly payments. He has started going to gambling meetings. However, yesterday he said to me "Well I'm not nearly as bad as those people." I was like, "That isn't what you're supposed to be getting out of this." and he just got moody. *** That doesn't cost money and there is no betting involved, but I just hate his obsessive personality. I'm glad he's going to meetings but I think he need therapy too to deal with this constant need to be obsessed with things and to spend money foolishly. I'm just so sick of it.
I always knew that my husbend of 8 years was a gambler, but little did I know to what extent.He has admitted only after a shameful interigation on my behalf over $100 that went missing.He blamed our 7 yr old son, mind due him and myself were the only people who knew where it was hidden.I am a athiaist he is strong belief in god,he pushed the story even further by swearing on his son;s liives that he hadnt taken it.In my mind I started to go over if I was wrong, did I put it somewhere else etc.Which I look back and realise that this thought process has happened many times before,and he has allowed and acted and said im paranoid.But bringing hid son into his web of deceit was the last staw. Something inside of me snapped and I felt as if a elctric shock went through my body,anger,betrayal.I gave him an ultamatum get help I am not going to stand for or put up with this kind of life anymore,the deceit, lies, the time he could of been with us instead of at work so he could have more money to gamble.The amount of time he has robbed his children to be with their dad but spending it at the TAB.
He has left the home and it is very hard not to weaken and not ask him home,until he makes the first step,himself, I can not help him. Once he has started the program I will suppot him all the way,but i refuse to hide money anymore, turn a blind eye or to be his mum. He is a Labourer and he admitted spending up to $100 a day. I said to him by admitting that, you have taken a huge step, he has now phoned help line. I am proud of him and we are all human and I am not here to judge just help him.
I want my boys to have a proud healthy minded dad so they can grow to be functional members of the community.
My partner has had a gambling problem since before we met in 05, and over the last 5 years it has worsened as his income increased. He has had a handful of huge wins bringing home $7,000, $11,000, $4,000 etc but it certainly doesn't out weight the money that he has spent and lost at the casino. He has lied to me for years now and we even tried coming up with a contract for an amount allocated per month on gambling, but that didn't work. We had a son in Dec 08 and I thought and hoped that he would wake up and become a responsible father and stop this gambling ****. But no, he is at the casino as I am writing this, he has been there since last night at 9:30pm, it is now 4:30pm. I had no idea and only found out as our account went from $5,100 to $170 in the last 15 hours. His son should be his priority but it's his gambling. A councellor once told me that wives of gamblers are the mistresses, the addiction is the wife in their eyes. How true. He lied to me on Mon arvo about gambling and I caught him out, and he said he was so sorry, but obviously not as he was straight back to the casino last night. I am giving up on him, he shows no signs of admitting his problem therefore there is no hope that he will take the steps to get help and fight to save our family. I cannot sit around and be heart broken any longer.
my mum is lost.. she has been for ten years. our house, car,and lives have been gambled away. no food, no nothing. she's earning good money each week... and that money is in the pokies. every week. every day. lies. and when you confront the person they hate you for it. we've tried to help. We've even tried to get help. but when she says she is at the counsellers we've caught her at the pokies. keycards stolen, our money out of our banks stolen. Everyday she has a different illness or problem.And we've been left without a home. Now the pokies have become more important than her kids. so before anyone tries to use the pokies or gambling as an escape please remember that you could be losing anyone and everyone that you've ever loved or cared about. There's only so much poverty, lies and heartbreak that someone can take. I'm STILL trying to help my mum and it's been ten years!
My Dad goes to the casino almost every night as it his way of "releasing stress" from work. He doesn't go home until after 6am. He has racked up thousands of dollars in debt and Mum bails him out every time. He has even gone as far as divorcing Mum so that he can marry another woman for $20,000 so she can enter Australia.
He acts normal in front of everyone but Mum cops his mood swings and bad temper and as a result Mum talks to me about it and has told me to swear to secrecy. I feel very burdened by the whole thing and don't know how to help either of them. Now Mum is considering re-mortgaging the house which they've spent most of their life paying off.
I can't help but feel extremely angry and resentful toward my Dad and cannot understand why he would do this to Mum.
How can i help my fiance, we are getting married in March but he doesnt seem to care. his always late home from work, tells me he works back, but i know he doesnt. He knows he has a problem, we have spoken about it before, but how can i help him when his not willing to help himself??
im only 21, and i love him so dearly, but now im rethinking our relationship.. is it always going to be like this?? will he ever get the help he needs???
would love some advice please
I have recently experienced the the hurt and frustrations of a gambler and the anger and blaming was truly painful.... I am in love with this man and I know he feels the same but the gambling has runed what we onced shared to the point of seperation..... Its so difficult to know how to react to him as the lies led me to believe he was cheating on me, then I came to realise that he was, but with gambling....
I have offered my support and help to him but sometimes the emotion gets in the way and I cry and I know that dont help him as he feels more of a failure....
Anyone have any advice for me... Thanks
I feel sorry for the gamblers like my mum!!!
My boyfriend has gambled well over $400,000 in the past 8 years.
I want to leave him because his gambling has taken over his life, but I want to help him as well...I guess he just doesn't want to help himself.
I feel for all these people leaving posts. I've been going through the same heartache for a few years now.
My partner has a gambling addiction which he finally admitted to last night. I discovered my keycard missing from my purse & questioned him. He denied it. I went onto the online banking to check my account as I had this sinking feeling he took it. It's not the first time money was stolen.
I had almost $3000 in that account which I received last week as a work bonus & was horrified to find I was left with only $200!! I cried & screamed....totally broke down. When I showed him the online statement, he denied it still. The statements clearly showed cash withdrawals from local gaming venues.
After much anger & accusation, he admitted he had a problem. I had gone through the lies for years & years. Work collection money was stolen from my purse, birthday money, savings, shopping money, his whole pay check several times! He admitted before that he had a problem & promised to do something about it to no avail. This time round, he realizes that we don't have the money for him to go & spend time interstate with his children for Christmas. We have disconnection notices at our doorstep. Bills that are piling high. His children will now suffer.
My partner now claims he will get some help but needs my help & support. How can I ever trust him again & is it possible to trust again? I want to call it quits but when I read about others who are far worse off than I am, my heart truly & honestly goes out to them. Is the only way out to up & leave? I am beginning to think so.
Right now, I'm guttered & have no tears left. I'm desperate.
To Helpless:
You are not exaggerating things, my husband of 20 years is doing the same. His demon is TAB and Roulette at casino. He refused to acknowledge he has gambled $70,000+ away in 5 years. I thought I was safe since I had control of his wage and all credit cards. Little did I know he would go and get loans of his own. It was too easy to get credit cards and personal loans - to make matters worse, (I found out later) they keep offering him more credit. Yes OFFER, he didn't even have to ask to increase his limit.
I have yet to call the helpline myself, I'm recovering from depression which was brought on by his lies. I say recovering very loosely as I had suicidal thoughts earlier in the year when I actually had a complete breakdown; and some days those thoughts would come back. It goes deeper than just gambling and I'm not ready to go to counselling just yet.
Don't do this alone though. Tell a trusted friend to help YOU. I have a support network that I fall back on; although most of them don't know the extent of his problem. YOU need help as much as he does. Gamblers have no idea how much emotional stress they bring home.
I have thought of leaving him too; but there's kids involved. I'm not staying because of them, it just doesn't help. He kept telling me he wants to stop; yet his action is telling me he otherwise.
Stay strong, you are not alone and ask for help for YOU. Take one day at a time.
I think my husband has a problem and its good to know iam not the only one out there feeling the way iam, hurt, betryed, and worse off our children are involved.
I have been with my husband for 13 years now. He has always gambled at the tables in Casino. It started with about $200 per visit, the stakes have risen since then and he now wants to take at least a $1000 when he goes.
Sometimes he doesnt go for a month and then goes once a week. Sometimes he wins and when he does, he brags about it and repeats it endesly. When he loses he doesn't want to talk about it at all. I know he feels guilty and I want him to feel guilty so he doesnt go there again, but it lasts a month and then a pattern continues.
At the moment he is bringing no money into the household and it is all falling back on me.
He asked me to go with him tonight and after I refused he went on his own. How sad is that? Why is the desire to go there on your own so strong, that you leave your wife at home?
I don't know what to do... he says it is not a problem because he doesnt go every day.
Every Friday or Saturday I get a sickening feeling in my stomach that he might want to go there and I am tired of feeling this way.
Man up!!!!
I do not want to call the helpline just yet. He is not one of the men that you can say to him: "I notice you've been feeling...."
He senses my "Dr Phil" talks and flatly refuses to go into conversation and walks away or yells or turns the conversation into something else....
Anyway, I thought writing this would make me feel better, I dont know if it has... is this a problem or am I exaggerating?
If anyone wants to comment, please do.
It is so frustrating when you have a sibling who constantely steals & lies just to gamble...
It really saddens me that this year alone I have buried 1 sibling due to a car accident & a parent has become terminally ill & is in need of 24hr care to be kept home & my gambling sibling has now stolen once again to support their habit, I'm not talking 100s, possibly 10000s that has just been bought to my attention... How do I tell my other parent of the money gone from credit cards & savings accounts when the parent has buried 1 child this year & now is now caring for the dying partner... How much more can a person take before they will crack, gambling is going to totally destroy my family when one would imagine at a time like this we would become unified for one another.. What do I do????
My parents have a big problem with gambling.I have worked with them on the family farms for over twenty years and will soon have to find somewhere else to live and a new job because they have to sell the farms to pay off their gambling debts.My wife has been on the brink of leaving me on a couple of occasions because of my parents and i have had two battles with depression and am still on medication at the moment.My brother has very little to do with them because he can't handle the situation.I have tried talking to my parents but they say they don't have a problem.It is very frustrating because they don't see the damage they are causing to me and the rest of the family.
If you have a loved one who his gambling PLEASE seek out advice and support for yourself. You do not have to go through this alone.
My partner and I met in 2007 and not long after I fell pregnant, I didnt realise that he had a problem, I didnt even know he gambled at all. About 3 months into my pregnancy he told me he had spent over half of the money we had to renovate before the baby arrived, from there it was just one slip up after another. When I gave birth to our son he was admitted immediatly to the Special Care Nursery for breathing difficulties and close to severe jaundice, My partner met with a group of friends to celebrate the birth of our son. The next day he told me he had spent all the money on my card. I didnt have the energy to be angry at him and I had the welfare of our son preoccupying all of my thoughts.
I will never forgive him for taking away what is meant to be a joyful time - even though our son was unwell.
He still gambles and we will probably have to sell the house. I have all of the cards and I thought that would stop him, but just last week he went into the bank and withdrew at least 2000.
I have never screamed at him and always tried to be supportive. He is 34 and I am 24, you would think he would want to step up and be a man for his son.
Not only is it destroying our financial stability, but I am starting to question my love for him.
To ALL GAMBLERS on behalf of love ones; You are killing us, imagine how you feel when you do it, the shame and embarrassment. That is how we feel when you do it plus anger and digust, what makes it worse is that WE cannot stop it, we are stuck on this ride and YOU are the ONLY one who can stop it.
3 months ago l was playing the pokies every day l was on a winning streek. but l went to far and now l owe $9.000 on my credit card. it is a really bad feeling that i owe that much.
My boyfriend is a big time gambler. So much in fact that he has run out of money and now asking me for money. I dont even have that much money. I dont know what to do. At times, he demands money so bad that I feel I have to give it to him. What frustrates me is that I save so hard. i save my money and spend it wise. Every time i tell him that his loan request of $200 is a lot of money, he just tells me to think about how much he has put into the machine. I hate how he does not think about how I am feeling. I hate how he does not realise that there are people out there he is hurting. I want to leave him. And i want to leave him purely because of his gambling habits.
why do people turn to gambling when a problem arises in the family ?
My brother had a problem with gambling -- he kept borrowing money and lying to us and his friends and it nearly destroyed him. The good news was that he called the hotline and got help. He hasnt gone back and things are better -- ut it is bloody hard on the family and others. There sdhould be help for the family too maybe?
Support from those that love you is the most important thing in 'kicking the habit'. Good luck,
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